T – O

Internets, if I can be real with you for a minute, I’m having a rough one today.

I feel like my head is just barely above the water.

I just felt in a daze all day and then at 5pm, full on anxiety hit me.

The way my grad program is set up, I’m at an internship in my field 25 hrs a week.  Plus, I am required to take 12 credits of classes.  Some days, I feel like I’m working a full time job while going to school full time, it’s just plain old hard.

I feel like my time can’t be fully commited to school OR work so I’m left feeling inadequate in both.  For a perfectionist like me, it’s a hard feeling to deal with.

I have so many different projects, homework, workshops, commitments that lately I’ve been waking up at 3am in a complete PANIC over some imaginary thing I forgot to do.  Key word – IMAGINARY!  It’s never a real thing that I forgot, rather its some fictitious thing my stressed out brain has created.

If that doesn’t sound crazy enough as it is, last night I dreamt I got a D- on a paper I handed in a couple weeks ago while all my friends around me got B’s.  And to be completely honest, up until I had that dream I had thought that I was over that paper and the fact that I didn’t think it was the best.

Another thing adding to my stress – last night my Dad asked me if I could drive him to the train station because he’s going to visit his girlfriend.  What the fuck.  My parents aren’t even divorced yet… we are all still living under the same room… he only told us 2 months ago that he was leaving and he thinks its okay to ask me to participate in him getting to see his girlfriend?  Ugh.  He gave me a huge guilt trip when I tried to say no so I’m just going to do it.  Simply because I don’t have the energy to fight with people these days.

Sometimes I just want to scream TIME OUT!  TIME the fuck out.  Can life just stop for a couple minutes so I can catch my breath?  Please and thank you.

In a word…

overwhelming – that is how life is at the moment.

As I was walking to my car from class today, a quote popped into my head… something like “day by day nothing seems to change, but eventually everything is different”  I have no idea where it’s from and I’m too tired to look it up but I thought about that as I walked to my car.  My life is so different right now compared to a couple years ago.

A couple years ago, I was a single girl with bad luck in dating and now I’m happily in love with my boyfriend of over a year.

I don’t go out partying very often… okay, practically never any more.  We have the occasional party and truth be told, thats all I really need.  A couple of years ago I’d be out every Friday and Saturday night.

A year ago, I was at a job that was sucking the life out of me and now I’m in grad school.  Being challenged more than I’ve ever been, completely overwhelmed and overworked but still confident that I made the right decision.  I love this field.

My family as I know it is completely changing.  I’m dealing with my house being on the market and my Dad leaving when it sells.  The concept of family seems so confusing right now.

Even the dynamics with my friends have changed so much.  I feel this shift happening… this inevitable shift from our friendships being the most important thing in our lives to people settling down, having babies, getting engaged, getting married.  When did this happen?

I don’t know what I’m really trying to say here.  I guess it just amazes me all the changes that have happened in the past couple of years.  How funny it is that I didn’t even really see things changing that much until all the sudden life was so different than it was before.

Anyways, I’m alive and kickin, hope you are doing well (if anyone even reads this, ha).