I’m feeling… a little ambivilent about the whole thing – well, the being 26 part.  On the one hand, I suppose it is a bit scary to think my twenties are more than halfway over.  But at the same time… I do still have four years left.  So, I guess a big part of me is feeling pressure to make the next four years count.  Not that life ends at 30, lol.

But when I think about being 30, I think about being settled.  It’s the age I imagine I’ll start seriously considering starting a family, buying a home… big things like that.

But… I suppose I’ll save the serious talk for another day.

Currently, my Mom is scurrying around the kitchen cooking me a lovely dinner.  My favorite guy and my sister are on their way to the house.  I have a long list of birthday Facebook messages and texts that have me feeling super special.

I’m happy.  So, I guess that’s a good start to 26.

December 23rd 2009

We sat near his Christmas tree,
wrapping paper scattered all around us.
Snuggling close together, admiring our new gifts
and enjoying our first Christmas together.
There was a necklace I had been hinting that I’d really like
but instead, he picked out a very pretty pair of earrings by the same designer.
He teased that I was disappointed that it wasn’t the necklace.
Maybe a smidge, but I loved that he picked this on his own.

He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and said
“ok… well, there may be one.more.present.
You might want to go check in my stocking.”

I jumped up and ran over to look in the stocking.
Inside was the necklace I had been hoping for.
I was so happy!
but not just to see the necklace, although it was pretty and nice…

But nothing compared to the look on his face,
his excitement to surprise me and to see me happy,
the extra planning to make it special.

And, that’s the moment I knew.

I love him.

Now, the moment I actually said it?  Well, that’s a whole other story.

When did you know?

I’m totally obsessed with pizza making and I do not foresee this new obsession disappearing anytime soon!

BUT, I’m really not the suzy homemaker type so I don’t really do the totally “homemade” route… more like “semi-homemade” because well, I AM making it in my HOME so it’s at least part homemade! (at least that is MY take on the situation)   So, yes, I cheat and I buy fresh dough from the store (ok, and canned sauce) but the fun part is getting to put it all together yourself.  Here’s a shot from when Lovey & I made pizzas on Valentine’s Day.

The pizza on the left is mine – whole wheat dough, Bertolli’s vodka (!) sauce, fresh mozzerella & a little shredded mozzerella too.

Lovey’s is on the right with white dough, marinara sauce, shredded mozzerella and pepperoni!  They were delicious.

On Friday night, I decided I wanted to get a little more creative and made a BBQ Chicken Pizza and a Buffalo Chicken Pizza

Like I mentioned before I am ALL about shortcuts so I bought a rotisserie chicken at the store to use for the chicken and I loved how it worked on the pizza (I know ya’ll are loving my shortcuts haha, I could totally take over that show on the Food Network Semi-Homemade cooking w/ whatsherface)  Back to the pizzas, I was trying to make them as close to my favorite pizza place in Myrtle Beach as possible (Ultimate California Pizza – if you go to Myrtle Beach, you HAVE to go there!)

For the BBQ Chicken pizza, I used Kraft Thick & Spicy Honey Barbeque Sauce, shredded chicken, Shredded Reduced Fat Mozzerella and Shredded Monterey Jack Cheese on whole wheat pizza dough.  It was bangin, if I do say so myself.

For the buffalo chicken – this needs some more perfecting.  Lovey was worried about it being too spicy so for the sauce I  combined hot sauce (Frank’s) with Ranch dressing, which on its own tasted spicy but ended up really drying out when it was cooked.  I also tossed the chicken in the same sauce.  But again, it didn’t come out spicy enough!  So next time, I am going to try using ranch as the sauce and then making the chicken spicy with just hot sauce!  And see how that works out.  I also used a combination of mozzerella & monteray jack cheese which worked perfect.  It still came out good but next time, I’m determined to get it right!

No pictures to show for the chicken pizza’s though!

In other news, this weekend was SO fun and much needed after last week!

I went bowling with My Love & some of his friends last night and it was a blast.  I drank like 4 beers though and paid for it today.  I couldn’t believe it, I was kinda hungover today.  Really?  Ah, I guess that’s what happens when you’re almost 26, just can’t hang like I used to!

Oh and I saved the best for last…. I got the internship I interviewed for on Thursday! Woot!  It is EXACTLY the kind of experience I was looking for and I couldn’t be happier!

Anyways, happy Monday bloginis!  Got a long day ahead of me but I’m ready to take it on.

Make me smile and share your weekend with me in the comments.

I may disappear often from my little corner of the interwebs, but I always seem to find my way back eventually.

I truly love blogging and I miss it.  I still try to keep up with reading my favorite blogs but when you write pages upon pages of papers for school, the urge to write doesn’t sound quite as appealing as it once did.

This week has been stressful.  The last time I wrote, I talked about handling the stress of life and school so well that it was freaking me out.  And that continued for awhile but it seemed to catch up to me this week.  You see, I’m a perfectionist by nature… however, when you are taking 4 graduate classes, a 20 hour/week internship and a 10 hour/week field placement, you find yourself spread so thin that you can’t commit to any one thing 100%.  Therefore, the two papers I wrote last night only got 75% of me.  During work, I’m usually 80% there and 20% thinking of the other million things on my to-do list.  And I’m tired, guys.  Like really tired.

Did you notice I changed my blog name to “Hello, Sunshine”?  You must be thinking, “who is this girl kidding, this post isn’t  very happy and sunshine-like!”

I know!  But the new name was inspired by the desire to find the positive in everything in life.  It isn’t easy but it’s probably one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned since August.  After meeting so many people in my program who are so negative, I made a promise to myself to work to be positive.  I know its not exactly easy to stay positive especially given the amount of responsibilities and stress that are on all of us as we move through this program but I’ve learned that to change your way of thinking can make a world of difference.  I’ve even received compliments from people in my program and my supervisors about always having a smile on my face and spreading positivity.

But realistically, on the inside, I can’t always be happy.  It’s still a process learning how to deal with things when the going gets tough.  And although I’m stressed and some things in life aren’t fantastic, it could be much worse.  But finding the rays of sunshine, even on cloudy days, that’s what I’m all about.

It’s funny because at first, I didn’t know where to begin with this post.  I almost felt like I had nothing to say but now that I’ve started typing… well, it feels like I’m talking to an old friend.  And that, feels pretty amazing.

It reminds me of earlier today in my counseling class when we had to participate in mock counseling sessions.  I was in a group of three and we each took turns being the counselor, the client and the observer.  I was stressed out about what I should share when it was my turn to be the client but ultimately decided that the anxiety I was feeling deserved to be talked about.  Well, let me tell you… apparently, I’ve been keeping things bottled up these days because man, did I chatter my (mock) counselor’s ear off!  But in the end, it felt so good to get it off my chest.  I didn’t realize how much I needed to say out loud the things I’d been feeling.

Just like right now, it feels oh so good to write.

I don’t want to promise to blog consistently again because I really don’t know that I could keep that promise but damn, I missed this.  And so, I guess that’s my sunshine for the day, finding my way back to this space, realizing I have things to say and catching up with an old “friend” aka the amazing blog community, whether or not anyone is actually still reading.

p.s. I have an interview for a summer internship tomorrow so if you could send some positive vibes into the Universe for me, that’d be awesome!

But sometimes I take a look at myself and how I”m handling grad school and life and I think, “this is so not like me, what’s that about?“  And I just can’t seem to figure it out.  But I suppose its a good thing when the change is not worrying as much, not crying as much, not focusing on the negative as much.

I guess, I just don’t understand where this change has come from though.  There’s so much to worry about.  My family life is essentially falling apart, the Boy is going through some drama that could be weighing on me heavily, I have a list a mile long of school work and yet, I sit here and I hope for the best and I don’t stress.

But that is so NOT me.

I’m a worrier, I stress, I cry, I freak out… so why am I not?  Some days, it makes me feel strong and other days, I just feel hardened and I’m not sure if I like that.

When life keep throwing you curve balls, is this just what has to happen?  Do we find new ways to deal and in return we change?

I haven’t seen the boyfriend since Friday and then before that I hadn’t seen him since Sunday because I was so bogged down with homework.

While that sucked at the time, it also means I’m super excited to see him tonight!!

(I love still getting excited to see him after 14 months together)

Tonight will be a lazy, cozy date night… perhaps, one of my favorite kinds.

A simple night, filled with cuddling

episodes of How I Met Your Mother

ice cream

smiles

& kisses

I can’t think of a more perfect evening, to tell you the truth.

Have a good night! xo

I feel like my head is just barely above the water.

I just felt in a daze all day and then at 5pm, full on anxiety hit me.

The way my grad program is set up, I’m at an internship in my field 25 hrs a week.  Plus, I am required to take 12 credits of classes.  Some days, I feel like I’m working a full time job while going to school full time, it’s just plain old hard.

I feel like my time can’t be fully commited to school OR work so I’m left feeling inadequate in both.  For a perfectionist like me, it’s a hard feeling to deal with.

I have so many different projects, homework, workshops, commitments that lately I’ve been waking up at 3am in a complete PANIC over some imaginary thing I forgot to do.  Key word – IMAGINARY!  It’s never a real thing that I forgot, rather its some fictitious thing my stressed out brain has created.

If that doesn’t sound crazy enough as it is, last night I dreamt I got a D- on a paper I handed in a couple weeks ago while all my friends around me got B’s.  And to be completely honest, up until I had that dream I had thought that I was over that paper and the fact that I didn’t think it was the best.

Another thing adding to my stress – last night my Dad asked me if I could drive him to the train station because he’s going to visit his girlfriend.  What the fuck.  My parents aren’t even divorced yet… we are all still living under the same room… he only told us 2 months ago that he was leaving and he thinks its okay to ask me to participate in him getting to see his girlfriend?  Ugh.  He gave me a huge guilt trip when I tried to say no so I’m just going to do it.  Simply because I don’t have the energy to fight with people these days.

Sometimes I just want to scream TIME OUT!  TIME the fuck out.  Can life just stop for a couple minutes so I can catch my breath?  Please and thank you.

As I was walking to my car from class today, a quote popped into my head… something like “day by day nothing seems to change, but eventually everything is different”  I have no idea where it’s from and I’m too tired to look it up but I thought about that as I walked to my car.  My life is so different right now compared to a couple years ago.

A couple years ago, I was a single girl with bad luck in dating and now I’m happily in love with my boyfriend of over a year.

I don’t go out partying very often… okay, practically never any more.  We have the occasional party and truth be told, thats all I really need.  A couple of years ago I’d be out every Friday and Saturday night.

A year ago, I was at a job that was sucking the life out of me and now I’m in grad school.  Being challenged more than I’ve ever been, completely overwhelmed and overworked but still confident that I made the right decision.  I love this field.

My family as I know it is completely changing.  I’m dealing with my house being on the market and my Dad leaving when it sells.  The concept of family seems so confusing right now.

Even the dynamics with my friends have changed so much.  I feel this shift happening… this inevitable shift from our friendships being the most important thing in our lives to people settling down, having babies, getting engaged, getting married.  When did this happen?

I don’t know what I’m really trying to say here.  I guess it just amazes me all the changes that have happened in the past couple of years.  How funny it is that I didn’t even really see things changing that much until all the sudden life was so different than it was before.

Anyways, I’m alive and kickin, hope you are doing well (if anyone even reads this, ha).

I don’t really know where to even begin.  I feel like my world is being completed turned upside down.  There’s not just one thing I’m upset about – its about a million.

If I’m not crying because my Dad is just up and moving over a 1,000 miles away (to be with someone else) then I’m crying because I have to say goodbye to my house – my home, or I’m crying because I have to say goodbye to my family as I know it.

I know that I will get through this… we (my Mom, my sister and me) will get through it together, but it will be hard.

I keep thinking I will wake up from this bad dream any minute but I’m not.  It’s real and I need to accept it.

I woke up this morning and a numbness has taken over.  I feel like I can’t cry anymore and I can’t continue to spend my days upset and scared for the future.  I just have to deal with it as it comes.

But the numbness does scare me in a way because it makes me feel like I am not dealing with it.  But I guess I couldn’t continue crying forever.  I’m sure there will be days where it is easier and days it is harder.  And I have to deal with them as they come.

So that’s what I’ll do.  For now, I’m just going to try my hardest to enjoy my weekend somewhat.

I’m going down to my boyfriend’s tonight and spending the night with him.  Then tomorrow we are doing a little belated birthday celebration with some of his friends by going to Hibachi (yum!) and then to a bar.  On Sunday, I have my Grandma’s 93rd! birthday party!  My Mom’s side of the family, which is spread out all around the country (world even) is here to celebrate and I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone.

So, life kinda sucks right now but it doesn’t stop for anything or anyone.  Everyone has their own things they are dealing with and I am not the only one in the world going through a bit of a rough time.  I guess all you can do is cling to the positive things in life.  And I’m blessed to have many – my Mom, my sister, my boyfriend, my best friends – I am truly very blessed in this life and for that I am so grateful.

And to end this on a super happy note – my girl, Tay Tay (Taylor Swift for those of you who do not speak Alliecakes lol) has a new single out called “Mine” you can download it on iTunes and its amazing of course!

Hope everyone out there has a great weekend. xo

my dad is sitting on the couch.. my mom on the chair.

his face is very stern, i think i’m in trouble.. my heart starts to race…

“what!? what is it??” i ask.

he looks at me with a face i can’t read… “i don’t know how else to say this but… i’ve found someone… else…. that I want to be with…. you’re mother and i are seperating”

i understood the words but do not comprehend the meaning for what feels like a few minutes… the wind feels knocked out of me… i can’t speak… even when i try, i have no words.

he keeps talking about how he loves me and he will be there but its all just a blur.

finally, i calm down enough to ask “well, what do you mean?  where exactly are you moving?”

“Canada… Nova Scotia”

crash. bam. boom.

world upside down, in 3 minutes flat.