T – O

Internets, if I can be real with you for a minute, I’m having a rough one today.

I feel like my head is just barely above the water.

I just felt in a daze all day and then at 5pm, full on anxiety hit me.

The way my grad program is set up, I’m at an internship in my field 25 hrs a week.  Plus, I am required to take 12 credits of classes.  Some days, I feel like I’m working a full time job while going to school full time, it’s just plain old hard.

I feel like my time can’t be fully commited to school OR work so I’m left feeling inadequate in both.  For a perfectionist like me, it’s a hard feeling to deal with.

I have so many different projects, homework, workshops, commitments that lately I’ve been waking up at 3am in a complete PANIC over some imaginary thing I forgot to do.  Key word – IMAGINARY!  It’s never a real thing that I forgot, rather its some fictitious thing my stressed out brain has created.

If that doesn’t sound crazy enough as it is, last night I dreamt I got a D- on a paper I handed in a couple weeks ago while all my friends around me got B’s.  And to be completely honest, up until I had that dream I had thought that I was over that paper and the fact that I didn’t think it was the best.

Another thing adding to my stress – last night my Dad asked me if I could drive him to the train station because he’s going to visit his girlfriend.  What the fuck.  My parents aren’t even divorced yet… we are all still living under the same room… he only told us 2 months ago that he was leaving and he thinks its okay to ask me to participate in him getting to see his girlfriend?  Ugh.  He gave me a huge guilt trip when I tried to say no so I’m just going to do it.  Simply because I don’t have the energy to fight with people these days.

Sometimes I just want to scream TIME OUT!  TIME the fuck out.  Can life just stop for a couple minutes so I can catch my breath?  Please and thank you.

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2 thoughts on “T – O

  1. Take a 5 minute walk, or do something you really love to do for 5 minutes and just breathe. I know it’s hard and stressful; I’ve been there. I know that you CAN do it 🙂

  2. So. This happened to my third semester of grad school. And I felt SO underwater. I never blogged, ever, because it was just too much (so you’re winning!!). But I do want to say a few things:

    1. make sure you take you time. Weekend? Ok great. Random day you call in “sick” to life. Better!

    2. don’t let this shit with your dad affect you. He has NO right to give you a guilt trip. At all. AT ALL. He’s being a selfish child and not very fatherish. Also, that can’t be helping your crazed mental state, which is worse.

    3. therapy (and drugs) made me feel a lot better. Just sayin’

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