Internets, if I can be real with you for a minute, I’m having a rough one today.
I feel like my head is just barely above the water.
I just felt in a daze all day and then at 5pm, full on anxiety hit me.
The way my grad program is set up, I’m at an internship in my field 25 hrs a week. Plus, I am required to take 12 credits of classes. Some days, I feel like I’m working a full time job while going to school full time, it’s just plain old hard.
I feel like my time can’t be fully commited to school OR work so I’m left feeling inadequate in both. For a perfectionist like me, it’s a hard feeling to deal with.
I have so many different projects, homework, workshops, commitments that lately I’ve been waking up at 3am in a complete PANIC over some imaginary thing I forgot to do. Key word – IMAGINARY! It’s never a real thing that I forgot, rather its some fictitious thing my stressed out brain has created.
If that doesn’t sound crazy enough as it is, last night I dreamt I got a D- on a paper I handed in a couple weeks ago while all my friends around me got B’s. And to be completely honest, up until I had that dream I had thought that I was over that paper and the fact that I didn’t think it was the best.
Another thing adding to my stress – last night my Dad asked me if I could drive him to the train station because he’s going to visit his girlfriend. What the fuck. My parents aren’t even divorced yet… we are all still living under the same room… he only told us 2 months ago that he was leaving and he thinks its okay to ask me to participate in him getting to see his girlfriend? Ugh. He gave me a huge guilt trip when I tried to say no so I’m just going to do it. Simply because I don’t have the energy to fight with people these days.
Sometimes I just want to scream TIME OUT! TIME the fuck out. Can life just stop for a couple minutes so I can catch my breath? Please and thank you.